Get It Together
I needed this spring break. I was in complete misery this past term and fell apart.
I really wanted to do something over the break. I wanted to live life. Then I realized, I have no friends to chill with. No real friends.
Here’s what I did: I woke up at 6:30AM every day and went to the gym. I wrote down a list of things I wanted to accomplish for the day (chores, movies to watch, errands to run, stuff to read up on, etc) and proceeded to get as much done as possible. Then I went back to the gym for a second session around 9pm. Came home to shower and sleep before 11:30pm. Rinse and repeat for 1.5 weeks. I did find a group of friends to hang out at Big Al’s which was 60 seconds from my house and I’ve never been before and everyone’s all surprised when I say that. Well that’s cuz nobody invites me. And I also got lucky and saw a movie with R and her friends one night. Lucky as in, I was asking if she was going to see a movie and she said yes and asked if I wanna join. So she prob wouldn’t have invited me if I hadn’t asked. =/
I had a hike all planned out too – trail, food, snacks, ride. But then I couldn’t find people to go on a hike with. SO FREAKIN SAD. I asked R if she was going to go hiking. She said she wasn’t sure but it was obvious that she was with her friends. And I didn’t get invited to that.
I called up a handful of people to see if they wanna do anything but everyone said they were either busy, didn’t want to, and one of my best friends said yes and then cancelled on me 20 mins AFTER the time we were supposed to meet. I didn’t see any of my pharmacy friends. Zilch. They had a party after our finals and I saw the snapchat story but didn’t know there was one and didn’t get an invite. I do have a somewhat close group of friends in pharmacy school but they’re the type of people that don’t go out and just play games. One of them only hangs out with his family and has rejected hanging out with me every time I’ve asked.
I feel like everyone has their best friends from high school or undergrad and my friends moved 😦 or that I’m not as close with them as I thought. I feel like I am everyone’s friend, but nobody is my friend. Maybe? I decided to try the Tinder thing too. I swiped right on almost everyone and I got like 2 matches this whole spring break lol. And they didn’t say anything more than like 3 words. Either I’m boring as heck or they’re not interested at all.
Here I am scrolling through FB and seeing all the crazy adventurous stuff people are doing on their break. R went to Seattle with a group of her close friends last night (guys and girls) and supposedly ordered a male stripper and went to a club and I saw the club upload pics to FB. Looks like a freakin great time with tons of people and she spent the night there. I guess I’m so envious of her is because I never did any of that stuff in my undergrad and here I am sitting here just wanting to go out with friends and do something. Ugh I can only imagine the attention she gets at the club . UGH, no. I shouldn’t go there.
TL;DR can’t find real friends. has super low self-esteem. I also have zero facial aesthetics aka ugly.
OK. SO WHAT DO?? I may just quit FB but we have a pharmacy page that we use to communicate with. I can quit social media. But just because I don’t see people posting pics with their friends doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have friends to hang out with. Be positive? That’s what I have been doing until recently.
REALTALK: this post was depressing, I know. And the truth is that my life is SO different than R’s life. Every time I see her, her phone is always blowing up with messages and snapchats. I press that Home button and all I see is the time. I feel like that is my reality no matter how many times I’ve already tried to change it. So is this my destiny? To be the world’s most mild mannered citizen? Will I ever have real friends to vibe with?
Last term of pharmacy school before rotations. 11 weeks. Just think positive. Less social media. And keep myself really busy. Just do me. I GOT THIS. I hope….. >_<