I guess in times of stress and just being in an emotional wreck I like to blog. I think it helps with putting my feelings into words and understanding what I really feel.
R told me last night that she thinks we’re incompatible. It pretty much means she’s not interested. In an emotional state, I tried to talk to her but I should’ve just said nothing. I was going through the 5 stages of grief in quick successions. I was in denial and kept thinking that she’ll change her mind later and I can still win her over. Then came the anger and I may have said a thing or two that I didn’t mean to and wish I could take back. Then there was the begging phase of wanting it to still work out and saying I understand. And lastly I hit sadness/depression for the night. All of this within 20 mins. By the next morning I hit the last stage, acceptance. I’m still sad but I accept the fact that there could be nothing between us because, well, she’s not interested. And I wish she would’ve said that in the beginning rather than leading me on with “maybe…” or “I want to get to know you more…”
So 24 hours after our convo, we’ve said nothing to each other. The daily texts/snapchats have stopped. She probably hates me for the stuff I said and has no desire in keeping our friendship. It was kind of insulting. Idk, if I was to break somebody’s heart after I lead them on and they poured an endless amount of effort to be with me I would totally understand if they attacked me, said mean things, or do anything in frustration. Because in their compromised state of mind, they’re able to justify themselves that it’s ok to do or say that. It would probably still hurt me but I would understand where they’re coming from.
UGH. I wish I was wiser. I wish I was smarter. I wish I didn’t get played like that. I put my heart out too often for the wrong girls and I feel its never reciprocated. After my first gf, it’s been a string of bad relationships and liking all the wrong girls. I always thought it’s good to take a risk if there’s someone you feel strongly about. But now I’m so afraid of putting myself out there again, of getting hurt again. I’m afraid that if people get to know me, they wouldn’t like me. I’m afraid to fall in love. I don’t trust myself and I can’t trust women.