This is following up on my previous post after all the events had taken place -edit- which got deleted LOL. The following talk took place over text messaging. She was at the library studying with people past midnight and she’s down in Eugene.
The situation between us is a complicated one, like all relationships. We’re going to denote her R. She knows I like her but I don’t know if she likes me. On Sunday night we were on the topic of this guy that confessed to liking her and she didn’t feel the same way. He dropped the friendship and R was very sad and kept trying to win him back as a friend. R initiated on Sunday again and things were good and they bonded over activities. So while on this topic, she said that she never intended to lead him on and that she hopes that I know she’s not leading me on either. WELL, I feel like I am being lead on. We talked about ‘us’ and she says that she doesn’t have a lot of faith in relationships based on previous experiences and that she doesn’t want to be in one again any time soon. Also, she’s finding it very hard to like a person and saying she’s busy and used the term feeling ‘asexual’.
I discussed this with my really close friend, girl, and she thinks that R likes the attention I’m giving her but that’s about it. And all these excuses she’s making for not committing, or going for it, is just an indirect way of saying she’s not interested. OR she is trying to friend zone me.
I told her my true intentions. She’s young and has a lot to learn and grow and she knows she’s at that stage in her life. I like her a lot and I see a lot of potential in her. But I’m not jumping into a relationship with her if that’s not what she wants. Basically, I want us to be a part of each other’s lives and get to know each other more and help push each other to grow. She’s correct in that she’s not at that stage where she wants to commit yet or think about dating. Anyways, it got late and I ended with saying that we should just keep talking like where we were at and get to know each other better. She said that she would like that but she said that she doesn’t want her “fickleness to lead you on or hurt you” and that she has a pessimistic outlook on the progression of this.
My worth is so much more than this but I can’t help myself. I just want to call it quits and tell her I need space and leave everything behind. At some point I am going to look desperate, or maybe I am at that point.. and my self-worth will depreciate and she won’t find that attractive. But if I leave everything, how am I any different from the guy that confessed to her and all the others? And if I stay, I don’t know if I can continue talking to her without my feelings getting in the way and I may just get hurt in the process while she gets all the benefits. She played this one well, touche.
There are a million things going through my mind and hoping for a future with her. But I just know that the more I force it to happen (or want it to happen), the lesser chance of that becoming true. I think I should stop pursuing and just be casual. And maybe we’ll stop talking and just drift apart and hoping that one day we’ll start talking again years down the road when we’re at different points in our lives. If not, then I know that it’s not meant to be.
I’ll see what we can do spring break since we’ll be able to see each other in person. Ultimately I know it’s her decision and I feel if she had feelings for me, she would’ve gone for it. But then again, I’m not her and I don’t know what she’s thinking, and I don’t think she knows herself either. Honestly, I have no idea whether I approached this right or not but…
GONNA KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE!