Life has been pretty mediocre the past few weeks and I rarely get to say that. Sure, there are difficult times but I’ve been keeping my head up and doing what I can to make it through. I’ve been going more to EPIC (asian christian ministry on campus) more again and I’ve been going to CKC, the church here in town. I realized that I miss this whole interacting with other people. It’s not that I don’t do that, but I’ve mostly been seeing my classmates and I feel so stuck. But when you go to EPIC or CKC, people intend to socialize and meet people. It’s purely a social environment to connect with people and see friends and I LOVE it! I’m not a very social person to begin with and it takes some time to warm up to me, but I have moments where I will reach out there and try to connect with others. I was also part of a an asian council here on campus in my undergrad and it was amazing to work with so many other leaders and organize events. Now it’s just hitting the notes hard and studying every day. I don’t have time for these things, but I go regardless and hope that I am able to make it through all of my studying.
I went to the my first Luau yesterday which was held in the Gill Coliseum where they play basketball at. That’s also my first time being in there after being at OSU for 6 years now. It was amazing and I loved the show so very much. I was also pretty saddened by the send-away we gave to our Hawaiian advisor. She has been with us for over 20 years and I got the honor to work with her when I was part of the council and she is by far the most helpful person I’ve ever met. She is the definition for a person that goes above and beyond her roles and responsibilities and one of the best advocates for minorities to get their voices heard. Anyways, I went to this luau and none of my friends hit me up or wanted to go with me. So I decided to fly solo that night. A couple hours before, my friend asked if I was going and I said yea and I’d meet up with him there. His friend got him a seat but it was full and so I was left on my own again. I spotted a few other friends and joined them, so phew that worked out well. Left at the end and hit the gym up by myself.
I’ve been having a pretty hard time with my cut. Most of it has to do with meal prepping because I’m in school for so long that I tend to just eat out. I’ll bring a lunch, but I’d still be stuck on campus til dinner with nothing left to eat. Or when I get unexpected group meetings or when I have to stay up late for an assignment but I’ve hit my caloric intake for the day. Also I am doing about zero cardio because I hardly have any time but I try to work up as much of a sweat in my lifts. The upside is that my strength hasn’t faltered and I’ve grown a little stronger and lost 0.5 pounds in the past 3 weeks. So I guess I’ve been eating around maintenance most of the time… Even though I feel like I’m starving all day lol. Going to lower my cals by 200 since I’ve been stuck close to maintenance for 3 weeks now and hope I’ll start shredding some fat. My goal is to get to 142 by mid June which is 2 months away. That’s a pound a week, but I wouldn’t mind slowing that cut down if it meant keeping more of my gains. I’ll throw in more fiber and veggies for fullness and see how this week goes.
I knew school is going to be kicking my butt pretty soon but I’m going to stay focused. I’ve stayed off Skype because I talk with most of my close friends (classmates) there and I’ve found it to be pretty distracting. They also like to invite me to join them on their games (League) and I used to be addicted to gaming so I’m trying not to feed that addiction.
I think part of the reason I feel a little happier is that I’ve stopped caring about girls. No homo, but I don’t feel attracted to anyone right now. I feel like all I want to do is find my passion in life and pursue it. Right now that is lifting but I’m not so sure it’s my final destination. I know there’s something else, something more. Turning 24 in less than a month and I still have no sense of direction in my life, but at least I am going somewhere with pharmacy and lifting. Maybe it’s good that I’m not chasing after girls right now. It does get pretty lonely. Literally living life by myself right now. I lift by myself, go to church by myself, go to the school clubs and events by myself, and eat by myself. Most of the times I see my friends there but it’s not the same if you went with someone there, ya know? I do live a life of solitude but maybe this is what I need. I trust in myself and I trust that God has plans for me and he won’t ask of me anything that I can’t handle.
Keeping my chin up, staying focused, and keeping my eyes on my goals.