Grad School Frustrations
Feeling a little down and I’m trying to be positive. I’m not off to a great start in pharmacy at the moment but I’m just trying to find that sliver of hope that I’ll make it in the end. My first year started off fine because I’m new to it and hope that I’ll get the experience I need. I worked my 45 hours but didn’t get a full grasp of everything. Now I’m nearing the end of my second year of pharmacy with only those 45 hours and I will get an additional 45 hours soon next term. But that’s it so far. Over the summer, I wasn’t able to get any internships and nobody responded when I contacted them for a volunteering position. C’mon, free labor! I haven’t heard back from any companies about an internship this summer either. It’s looking bleak. Academically, it’s all getting very confusing. Medchem is a nightmare and I’ve been relistening to all the lectures and studying every day but pulled off a 70% on this past huge exam. Some study a couple days before and still pull off an 80%. Idk if it’s the way I’m being tested or I’m just plain stupid. I’m feeling unsure of everything now and it’s frustrating me. My lack of experience prevents me from creating associations with the drugs I’m learning. It’s probably not even that. I’ve just lost my edge and the lack of sleep is hurting my concentration and judgment. It’s not like I’m failing (…yet), but I’m just barely passing every module of medchem. And I’m wondering why I’m doing poorer than the people on my left and the people on my right when they didn’t start studying until later. My friend was so stressed and kept breaking down in tears and ends up with a B and she had to work the day before and a skills performance test for lab in the morning of the day of. So there’s something I’m missing that everybody else is in on.
I like what I’m learning, but the amount of time and effort I’ve put into it and seeing terrible results is disappointing and discouraging. I make sure to study in advance and try to keep up with the material and review lectures as soon as I can. Now I’m in a debate if I should permanently give up my goals of lifting to study more. I went from 4-5 times a week to 1-2 times a week now for the past 6 weeks and I’ve lost so much mass. Pharmacy school is literally draining the life out of me. A common phrase from my friends is “you look tired.” And that’s when I know I’m just trying to get by in life and no longer living it. There has to be a better way. I’m not even going out tonight with my peers celebrating the end of an exam. Actually, I don’t go out with them much at all because it’s to the bars or something. Instead, I went to the gym and came back to rest up. Tried to round up some friends for basketball but it didn’t fall through so now I’ll start on studying for my other exam.
I used to wake up every morning for the thrill of getting a workout, growing stronger, and sculpting a body towards perfection. I used to wake up with a mind hungry for self-improvement. I used to wake up excited to take on a challenge and excelling in it. Now I’m struggling to get by and wondering when my day, or the week, will be over. Maybe everybody that goes through pharmacy school feels like they’re going to fail and the stress always gets to them. Maybe that’s me right now and I’m just in a deep pit that I hope to eventually get out of soon.
I need to change my state of mind. I need to change my priorities. I need to change what I’m doing because this isn’t working for me. The term is almost at an end and I will have a fresh start next term. This will be the last term I’ll be on this campus before we move on to our 3rd year for one more year of schooling. It is my 6th year here and I’ve had some incredible times despite the lack of going to bars and parties.
Praying for a better tomorrow.